This term we have been looking at ways to make our writing more interesting for the reader.
We have used the following criteria to guide us:
- Changing the word order of a sentence
- Using literary devices such as metaphor, simile, alliteration, onomatopoeia and personification
- Using specific verbs and adjectives
- Using show, don’t tell techniques
- Using different sentence beginnings and lengths
Here are some examples of my writing this term.
Show Don’t Tell-Emotions
Rage: “NO DEFINITELY NOT” I shout “look there is no reason to be mad“said mum as if there was nothing wrong .“But mum PLEASE I really really really want to go!”I try to scream in fury ,But my voice box just cracks and now I know I’m definitely sick.
Envy: As the crackling and crumbling feeling swishes down my throat,I feel a burst of exclusion burst out of my mouth in a huge “ROAR!”.A wave of envy flushes through my body .Attempting to pretend I don’t care at all,A very big struggle for me How could my parents do this! No way are they going to get away with this!
Joy: Excitement filled the room as I stepped into the living room.
There on the coffee table were 5 beautifully wrapped gifts with white and blue polka dotted wrapping paper
with a golden think glittery ribbon wrapped cautiously around the new gift and a pink envelope balancing on top
of the presents .My face lights up with a smile and my heart overflows with excitement .
I pound over to the table and ask my parents who are now sitting on the sofa if I can open one yet ,
they answer “Yes,of course just not this one yet” Mum says as she pulls away one of the gifts,
”This one can go last”she continues .Finally The last gift rests on my pale ,gentle ,ballet tights ,
I grasp my hands onto the golden ribbon ,gently pull at the perfected bow as the ribbon unties and
lays on my thighs .I tear at the wrapping paper making a giant RIP sound flow into my ears.
As I see a cream coloured box sitting on my lap I lift the lid off the box I see two beautiful ballet shoes ,
lying in a cloud of tissue paper.
My heart explodes with happiness and Joy.
Sample Of Music Writing
The same old boring piece of music we had been practicing for months for our big performance ,
hamish had told us that this was our big shot at making an impression in the musical world.
However, our piece was just the same tune all the way through and I had ,
had enough of it as we begin my memory flashes back to new zealand in my kapa haka group
when I was 10 years old I remember when the boys were doing the haka if even one boy got out of synch
then the whole group would go faster and faster
A chance to finally get the dream our group had always dreamed of,
A classic piece of music ,one chance to change our track .
I begin to slither my fingers swiftly across the wooden polished violin ,
We kick off at the original pace and then I slowly get faster and faster george starts playing at my pace
and then Trace, Felix and Claire join in then hamish our constructor frowns
and slows his hand movements to a very slow version of our piece and
everybody starts to move their fingers faster , and faster and faster and faster,
I begin to wonder whether hamish knows it’s me who started this catastrophe ,
I’ll definitely be kicked out of the orchestra now ,
we were struggling before but now the public probably thinks we are a mess ,
it’s all my fault There is nothing I can do now though ,I’m done for .
Wait why is the crowd smiling ? why is hamish smiling ,what’s happening ?,
I just need to focus my mind on sliding on the smooth surface of such a powerful instrument held in my
freckled beige sunkissed new zealand skin.
Attempting to focus my mind races to possibilities of why the crowd is enjoying this?
We are messing up the easiest piece of music of the planet ?!
As we finish the “classic” piece I realize ,
If everyone is happy with our performance then hamish can’t be mad!
I’m safe ! Hooray!! But .. does he know it’s me who changed it?...
The End
“ The Boy ” -Show Don’t Tell-Picture Prompt
Completely alone .Nobody there to comfort me ,just me and my soul.Against them .Standing in a corner .Two giant shadows towering over me .nowhere to run ,nowhere to hide ,nothing to do .Two of the toughest boys in the school crowding me .Why? … why is my life this way? … why am I giving up ? no less than two years ago this was happening to me ,just not the same .It was at my old school and all the kids in my syndicate would bully me they would call me “dumb,lonely,loser” because my initials are D.L.L which is Dylan Lachlan Lane .It was so bad that every time I walked out of class for ANY reason the students would cheer.As im walking into school today I think ”why? Why am I always picked on … I really don’t want to move schools again…”
And then Jamie and Kyle jumped out of the bushes in front of me .The two tall,strong ,boxing enthused boys towered over my scrawny ,weak soul.
” Look who it is .. it’s little D.L.L “ Jamie says smugly with his dark mossy green eyes glaring down at me “Got anything for us D.L.L ?”said Kyle threateningly “ no, I don’t have anything for you, just leave me alone. Go bother someone else!” I say angrily “oooh trying to stand up to us mate?, haha good try but no prize mate come ‘ere” they say trudging toward me .I go into a panic mode looking for any escape ,then I remember I have a special ability that these boys can’t do ,I look for a perfect chance to escape I see my only chance I leap and slide down onto the cold hard concrete as my smooth hands scrape against the pebbly uneven ground ,shuffling my knees and hands along the ground
I stifle to my feet ,my whole body shaking and scrambling ,twisting and turning I turn to see Kyle and Jamie turning their heads in my direction .
I run as fast as my legs can take me ,my head spinning like a spinning top trying to find anywhere to go and hide I hear my shoes pounding on the ground with a retaliation going into my body I feel like an earthquake has struck as I hear two sets of pounding feet turning the corner and coming in my direction.
Viking Girl-Show Don’t Tell
Head tilted down ,eye bags ,underneath my death stare starting its engine
“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT … NO WAY !!” I shout “I'M NOT DOING IT !!”
My death stare getting stronger and stronger hoping she’ll disappear .
I clench my fists and stomp my feet .
Coming towards me to stop my emotion .Mum reaches for me in a steady grasp .
”NNOO Let Me GO!”
I scream .But I am defenceless …
Mum has already started doing the worst thing she could
……. BRUSHING MY HAIR!!!!
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